Brave New Medical World 2084

Des Spence

Des Spence

Des Spence is a GP in Maryhill, Glasgow.
Des Spence

sigarettaDeath has been banned and we will all live forever. Hurrah!

The medical profession has decreed that as long as we take all the necessary measures to avoid risk that we can live forever. Doctors through scientific research have established the major risk factors in life and the government is now seeking to tackle these under new legislation.

The most basic risk avoidance involves wearing a crash helmet at all times to avoid head injury. Suits developed by Michelin the French tyre makers will need to be worn to avoid possible damage from falls. Masks and sunblock will be worn outdoors and citizens will be banned from going outside during daylight hours to prevent UV sun damage.

Sport will be limited to tiddlywinks but visors must be worn to prevent eye damage. All trees will be cut down, bicycles, skate boards and hula hoops banned. Exercise is very important and from now on will be done passively using electrode stimulation to the various muscles groups at night-time.

Cars, planes, boats and trains are all overtly dangerous and should no longer be used. The activities of walking and running are currently the subject of ongoing research but should be limited to essential activities only. Mobile phones do cause cancer in bacteria research and can longer be used. The internet with all the inherent risk from spam, trolls and cyberbullying will be closed down. TV reduces activity in children and will longer be available.

Alcohol which has been associated with many risk-taking behaviours should not be consumed. Pubs and clubs will be shut to address the risk of passive smoking and the temptation to drink. Smoking (the greatest single evil known to humanity after sausages) will become a criminal offence. Sexual intercourse is now recognised to be inherently dangerous, associated with emotional changes and infections, and should be ceased. Although not currently deemed criminal behaviour it seems likely that laws will be passed in near future against the perpetrators of sexual activity. Those found taking cannabis, ecstasy, cocaine and heroin will be regarded as insane and detained under the Mental Health Act.

Dogs and cats will be removed from human areas for risk of allergic reactions. Prawns, eggs and peanuts control will be taken over by the Health and Safety Executive because of the extreme risk to health that they present. All mothers must exclusively breast feed until 15 years of age to prevent allergy.

Food will no longer become available because the dangers presented by salt, saturated fats, cheese, meat (BSE, E coli), sugary cereal, bananas, crisps and chocolate. Those citizens weak-minded enough to become fat will be sectioned under new powers in the Mental Health Act  because of the extreme risk to health. A new soup containing a balance of vitamins and calories will now become the new staple. This has been scientifically developed to contain no flavour.

All citizens from birth must take the multi-pill (statin, beta blocker, ACE inhibitor, sulphonylurea). Failure to comply will become a criminal offence. Finally, all work and school will be banned for fear of work related stress and bullying. The two medically approved activities are to be visiting the doctors to have your medical neurosis topped up and reading self-help books. Risk and all its dangers is banished. Thank goodness for the work of doctors.

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